The Darkest Day (July 12th) Part 2

I liked having people with me; the sound of typing on the computer and scrolling through their phones made me feel at peace. My dad was on his computer next to me, allowing my mom to go eat breakfast and maybe wash up a little bit. I was coloring in my bed, and feeling really light and calm. The day started weird, but I felt stronger, more alert. I told him all the crazy things I heard that night before, and asked if he could hear the people talking meanly about me at that moment, but he said he couldn't hear anything.

My mom was back in the room with me, and my dad had to go to work. I told her everything that was going on, and she stepped outside for a minute to talk to the nurse. I couldn't hear what was going on, but she says they were telling her it was hospital delirium. She came back in and turned on the tv with loud music to help block out the voices. It was helping, and I curled up with my head on the remote listening to the music, falling asleep.

My husband was rolled in on his hospital bed, and my mom said to text her when he was gone because she was going to get lunch. I heard her go into the room next to mine, which I saw as an office. I could hear yelling and arguing. I heard name-calling, and I tried to tell my husband about it, but he didnt hear it. It seemed like no one believed me. I could hear and see these things, but no one else could. I was getting so annoyed. I wanted him to leave, I just wanted to go back to bed.

Thinking she was right there, I didn't text her that Riley was rolled out because I thought she knew. When she came in an hour or so later, she asked why I didn't text her, and I told her she was right there in the lady's office. My mom was so confused, she told the nurses again, they just called it "hospital delirium," and convinced her to go home when visiting hours were over.

I was frustrated and terrified when she said she was leaving and no one was going to be with me. I begged her not to go. I kept repeating

"Somethings not right, something's not right."

But out the door she went. I was hearing nothing but the singing, yelling, and mocking. I could see cats walking outside my door. I could smell super spicy food that they were eating in order to "gas me out". No one was coming to check on me. I was alone. I was alert and unable to be comfy. I was getting more and more uncomfortable and getting hotter and hotter. I was tossing and turning the best I could with no leg movements. I started moaning, "Help me," but no one heard me, or they ignored me. Finally, after several hours, someone came in, and I was crying, telling her everything from that day.

The lady who came in was so nice. She just listened and tried to figure out how to help me calm down and relax enough to go to bed. She said maybe a bath would help, so she hand bathed me and then checked all my tubes and monitors. The bath helped, but I was still boiling, and couldn't stop trembling as if I was freezing. The voices stopped for a while, and it felt like everyone was avoiding me again. Getting more and more scared about the trembling and heat, I grabbed onto the sides of my bed and started rocking myself, yelling, "Help me! Help me! I need someone!" Finally, multiple came in, took some blood samples, made me put in a tube through my nose, and left my door open to watch me more closely.

I could hear Roman and his girlfriend talking. They were all still singing and mocking. Roman finally says, "This is about Brittany? I'm not doing this. She is a good person. I will not talk badly about her; she is a good person." I begin yelling "ROMAN!!! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME... I FORGIVE YOU!!!" I repeated this a few times, but I didn't hear him call back. The nurses were all very confused and kept watching me, but I was so mad at them that I was watching them back. I could even see my mom in the room, walking in the back. I wanted her to come in and help me, but instead, I think she was helping them. She was helping the people who were keeping me trapped. But she went home. How can she be here when the doctors and nurses made her go home?

PTSD is terrifying and can sometimes be immobilizing.

What I learned is that talking about the memories that terrify you can free you from their grasp.