The Darkest Day (July 12th) Part 3

I was watching my mom and the nurses through my open door. I was getting angrier and angrier watching them walk around. The scene kept changing, and I could hear them laughing about how I was stealing from the kitchen and how I smelled. I felt like I was being held hostage there, but the nurses wanted me to leave. I wanted nothing more than to get up and walk away. But they just put a tube in through my nose to my stomach. I felt like they put it in to make me feel weak, so I would have to stay longer. I was finally alert and felt stronger that morning. Now i felt weak and uncomfortable. The doctor told me I was almost ready to move out of the ICU and up to Floor 1 that morning. They were ruining my chance to get out of there. They were making me sick.

I began pulling on the tube in my nose. I slowly pulled it out, and the nurses scrambled in to stop me. It was too late, I pulled it out. One nurse said, "You have to trust me, we're doing it to save your life," to which I replied angrily, "I DON'T TRUST ANY OF YOU!" She pleaded with me and told me the tube is taking blood out of my stomach, so I finally said, "Fine. I'll trust you". We began putting the tube back in, and I remember hearing "DON'T STOP SWALLOWING" as I choked down the tube and a cup of water.

( I don't remember this happening, but when I visited the hospital a year later, the nurse approached me and asked if I remembered her. I told her what I remember, and she told me I also smacked her hand, to which we both laughed, and I said, "No wonder you guys tied my hands down.")

They then tied my arms to the bed to keep me from doing it again, and then I was trapped. I told them I wanted my phone. They asked where it was, and I said it was on a shelf that wasn't there. I saw it, but no one saw it. I saw the fanny pack that was around my waist during the tumble downhill. I saw the shelf. No one saw it. I was getting so angry; they were just trying not to let me call my mom. I was trapped and tied to the bed. I yelled, "CALL MY MOM," and finally one of them did. My mom got on the phone, and the nurse began to say "Everythings fine, but..." and I began yelling"EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE!" She heard me.

There were many nurses around my bed doing things to me. One said, "This might sting." I said, "It's ok, I know it will hurt, but it will help." She cut a thin opening into my right thigh and shoved something in. It didn't hurt much, then she cut the other leg and shoved something in. Then they both were stinging really badly. I was still tied to the bed, and I was hurting and uncomfortable. I wanted my mom, but she went home. I wanted out, but I was trapped. I saw the nice lady from earlier come in, working on me, talking to her double. There was two of her, one on either side of me. She was talking about going on vacation after this. Here I am, bleeding out, uncomfortable, embarrassed, angry, tied to the bed, and she's talking about going on vacation?

The trembling came back, and I was freezing. I asked them to give me blankets, but it was never enough. They just started stacking them still folded neatly on me, and finally, I was warm. I tried to stop trembling, but I couldn't. I saw the doorway from my room turn into an outside apartment hallway, as if I were in an apartment building. They began grabbing tubes and chords to wheel me out. I heard helicopters whirring outside my door, so I thought I was being airlifted. I asked, "Are we going outside?" but they said that we were going to the basement.

I got wheeled outside my room, and I could see a hibachi bar set up to my right. I could even see the chief with a tall white hat and two spatulas. He was looking at me, and I began yelling, "I never been over there!!! I didn't steal from the kitchen!" and the nurses, who were probably laughing at this point, were telling me they knew I didn't, and continued down the hall. I could hear my siblings all walking around me, and my mom and dad too. They began making fun of me and my state of being. Then I heard them say they were going to start throwing candy at me. The nurses said they would allow them to walk with us as long as they didn't make too big a mess. I felt the candies hitting me and the cake squishing between my fingers.

Finally, after getting wheeled to the CT scan, I was drifting in and out of consciousness until I finally blacked out. I underwent emergency surgery at midnight and had a second stent put in my liver to prevent bleeding out again. I still don't know what was real from that day, and what was hallucinated. The hallucinations put my family in the hospital when I knew they were all home. I could hear, smell, and see things that weren't there. This day specifically is the most terrifying day I have ever known. I hope no one ever has to go through this.

PTSD is terrifying and can sometimes be immobilizing.

What I learned is that talking about the memories that terrify you can free you from their grasp.