Multi-media
Before the accident, I was using art to focus my determination to ride. Being told that I shouldn't ride because of people thinking I'm weak made me angry. I used art to blow off steam and express my feelings.
Now I am using art to help focus my feelings of PTSD and Survivor's Guilt to make the ugly feelings more beautiful. The art I have produced has helped me clear my mind of negative thoughts as they arise. It is like breathing in the blue skies and expelling the negative.
What I learned in Sculpture
After my motorcycle accident, the doctors didn't think I'd be able to walk again, but I fought for my life to get out of the wheelchair. The physical therapists said I may never be normal, but I work hard every day on strength and balance so I can reach that goal.
At the beginning of this project, I was terrified. I thought I was going to have to give up and quit. I was afraid I wasn't ready yet for a project where I'd be standing at a bandsaw for hours at a time, considering I still have a hard time balancing long enough to make ramen noodles. I was afraid I'd trip over everyone else and ruin multiple projects other than my own. But instead of giving up, I went to the workshop 2 hours early every class day to get set up and be working without threatening other people's projects. The class was normally 2.5 hours, so I was on campus working on the project for 4.5 hrs twice a week for a month. In completing this project, I learned not just to give up when something looks physically hard to do. I'm so thankful for this opportunity to work with bandsaws and mini-grinders. And di-grinders. Helping me focus harder on balancing so I wouldn't mess up the wooden sculpture or anyone else's.
I will treasure this wooden shark sculpture as a reminder that things may seem scary, and you will never know if you are ready or not for something until you try.
Wooden Scalloped Hammerhead Shark
For this project, we picked an endangered animal to create out of wood. We decided on our animals, then cut out a basic shape with a bandsaw, glued wood slabs together, and then began shaving layers off to create the shape more. Using a di-grinder, I had cut into the mouth area, and the mouth alone took about 10 hours to cut into. The teeth took about 5 hours, and then it was all about making sure both sides were symmetrical.
After about three weeks of grinding away at this block of wood, I was happy with how it looked, so it was time to decide how I was going to bring out the color but keep the wood showing through, too.
I decided on staining it with wood stain, but the grey that was available to me was way too dark, so I mixed the grey with a little bit of the white, and it turned out a good color, but it didn't let the wood shine through too well. For the mouth, sharks generally have a texture in their mouth, and since the di-grinder was too big for the mouth, I had to attempt to just paint in the texture.
Overall, I am so proud of this sculpture and will keep it as a reminder not to judge a book by its cover. Even if something is scary or might seem impossible, you never know until you try.
Protect Her
It signifies the shattered leg of ZZZGatesville (the name I was under while in the hospital). I disassociate from myself being in the hospital by using that name. I always feel bad about how hurt she got and how clueless she was when she first woke up. She didn't know how badly she was hurt, and I hope she never knows. So I surrounded this leg in guardian bells to 'Protect Her' from realizing she had died multiple times, was cut open, bleeding out, and will have to struggle relearning how to walk for years to come.
This project hit me hard. It was to plaster cast a body part and create an object that has a very personal meaning. I chose the guardian bells as my object.
When plaster casting my leg, it felt very weird, and it was so cold that it made my leg ache, swell, and turn purple. "Do it for the art," I said as I sat with a poker face, still as I could.
I carefully painted the scars onto the finished plaster cast of the leg, drilled a hole to insert into the leg, and then filled an old shoe. I wanted this leg to look as close to my real leg as possible, so everything you see on it is as accurate as I could get it.
When the leg was the best I could, I began taking my motorcycle chain and attaching it to the leg, then came the guardian bells. I wrote and drew things on the bells to help portray the protection aspect I wanted the piece to project.
One of the drawings on the bells is a rose surrounded by thorns. The bells will protect the leg as thorns do for roses.
Call for Help
This is a sculpture I created based on my drawing, 'Memories Unknown.' It is a helmet with the scene of the accident inside of it, made completely out of cardboard and glue.
I am going to continue working on this, especially because the helmet details are not in yet, but here is the inside.
When you see the scene, you are pulled in by the color. The trees are colorless and bland to make you lose, you're trying to look through the leaves to find your way out, as if you're trapped. You look to the sky, almost to scream out, and you see the writings in the sky. The writings are yelling out for help and speaking the words from the day of the accident.
"Lucky" To Be Alive
I was listening to my favorite band when a line came on that I resonated with. The line in the song was "When it all looks like heaven, but it feels like hell."
Everyone constantly tells me that I am doing so well and that I am "lucky to be alive." I never felt Lucky, because I don't think lucky people have to go through a life-altering experience that makes them have to relearn how to walk. I felt like I was putting on a show for everyone, happy to do my dance for those who don't understand the struggle behind my smile.
When creating this, tears burned my flesh as they roll down my cheeks. I am angry, but calmly writing the words spoken through sour lips. Words like "You will never ride again" and "You are fragile". Those words are written in the scene below the heavenly colors. They are scratched into the trees with the eyes peering through the dark.
When I was finished with this piece, I felt like the words rolled down my spine and I could better protect myself mentally against the harsh words while I march forward.
Survivor
I packed up my art supplies into the trunk of my car and drove out to the spot my friends and I used to ride to all the time. I took my helmet with me and set it on the table next to me. I knew I would get inspiration just being there. I immediately went to work, drawing my bike. I knew I wanted it to be engulfed in flames to show the struggle with being a biker. I began working on my face, drawing it on the other half of the page, with wind whipping my face with a peaceful expression on my face.
Drawing this, I was able to draw my bike again after it had been so long since I had drawn or painted it last. I was colouring in each flame with heavy marks to make them bright and sharp with anger. I drew my hair with light, wispy marks, with peace and happiness going into the page.
When I finished the piece, I was proud of the work I had done, and it was that moment when I realised, if I could survive the wreck, and I could get through my emotions with art, then I was going to be able to get through much more with art.
Wall Of Heroes
I was invited to a speech where I would get to tell my story in front of an audience, including my heroes. I was so excited to meet my heroes who helped keep me alive. The list of heroes is way too long to count because it exceeds 100 people just in the operating room. The heroes I would like to thank are the officers, the EMS crew, the helicopter squad, and anyone and everyone at the UC Hospital. Everyone did their part in helping me and my husband, and every person was crucial.
The bottom two sections are the first steps in my husband's and my survival. My group of friends were there to keep us alive until the medics arrived, who kept us alive until the helicopter arrived, who kept us alive as we flew to the hospital, where major surgeries were done all through the night.
In drawing the first two scenes, I was happy to be drawing them, as I have no memory of the scene of the accident. I was wowed by the progress I was able to make and amazed at how well the details were turning out.
Wall Of Heroes
As I continued into the hospital details, I instantly had the smells of the hospital surrounding me. I was engulfed with fear and the feeling of being tied down, arms stuck to my sides. I was panicking so much that I had to keep a candle with a strong scent nearby to be able to snap me back into reality.
I had to take breaks and leave the house while working on the hospital drawing. When I had completed the drawing, I was able to breathe again. The fear of the hospital still sticks with me, but I got through the fears once again.
When I took this big drawing to the event, I had my heroes sign it. I made sure to have everyone sign their part. My motorcycle friend had signed the bike, and the nurses and doctors signed up at the hospital. I now need to go out and find the EMS crew to have them sign, as they weren't able to make it to the event that day, same as the officers.
The detail on the drawing was loved by all the staff who were able to make it, and each signature had a lovely note next to it, reminding me to stay tough.
Sometimes, I still go back to the hospital to thank everyone, and I see more and more faces I remember in the hospital, and more faces that I don't remember so much, but I am happy to meet them and thank them for the amazing care.
Don't Quit
"Often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor's cup;
and he learned too late when the night came down,
how close he was to the golden crown."
(Don't Quit by Edgar Albert Guest)
I created this typography piece to go along with this poem that I read over and over. I chose this poem for my assignment because I especially relate to the part where it talks about how the struggler would achieve a small goal and then give up when the bigger goal was right around the corner. I relate to it because when I was relearning to walk after the accident, I almost quit after I was able to take a few steps. But the next goal I was able to reach after not giving up was that I was able to go back to college. There are many more goals that I can reach if I just choose not to accept any of them as my final prize.
I made this project out of all of the extra supplies I gathered up from when I had to dress and change my wounds on my leg, and my husband had wounds on his chest to dress and change. I wanted to create this piece using these things as a way to incorporate my personal struggle, as a way to really do my best on this piece. I find that I can really only create good art pieces when I can connect with them emotionally.
Memories Unknown
I was lying in my bed one night when I heard an ambulance passing outside my home (a normal occurrence in a more elderly neighborhood). I live right at the entrance of the neighborhood, so I will hear the sirens turn off as they enter, but this time, they didn't turn off. The siren started getting louder as if it were in my house. I couldn't open my eyes to see what was going on; it was like they were glued shut. There began a red glare through my eyelids as if the room was on fire. I still couldn't open my eyes, and by now the siren was screaming so loud my ears were ringing, and my head was hurting.
I tried to reach next to me to grab my husband, but I couldn't move my arms; they were tied to my sides. I felt like I couldn't breathe, so I started panicking. The red glare was so bright through my eyelids, I thought for sure we were going to be engulfed in flames if I didn't get up. I was wondering how my husband couldn't hear this siren or see this light; he is such a light sleeper. I try to reach again and still can't move. It felt like it was all happening so fast, but being unable to move made it feel too long. I feel the tears running down my cheeks, and finally, I gasp for breath and sit up quickly. I grab my husband, but there's no siren, it's pitch black still in the room, and everything is fine.
'still breathing quickly and crying as I think, what was that? I almost lay back down to continue the unknown memory. I want to remember more from the day of the accident, but my brain has blocked it out. I assume this was a memory my brain blocked out because it must have been what I was going through, being on the stretcher on the way up the hill from where I lay bleeding out. The siren must have been so loud, and I must have been tied down to the stretcher so as not to fall off in transport. I wanted to hear or see more, but nothing else came back to me.
I wondered how I could've had that "flashback" if I myself didn't remember that moment. I drew this with graphite to show how the helmet displays the image of the bike as it is found by the emergency crews, though I may not remember the moment of impact or much else from that day. This piece was to help me deal with the frustration of not knowing what happened to me with every detail, but acknowledging that the memories are in there. I just have to be patient, and they will come to light someday.
Printmaking 1
In 2024, everyone was against me riding; I needed to be persistent. My art was made using the emotions of persistence and a strong love of riding.
This was a sheet of plastic that I used a metal scribe to carve this image of me standing with my bike into. I used the frustration of everyone telling me I'm too weak and fragile as I scratched the plastic.
With each scratch of the screeching plastic, it is like I am ripping off each discouraging comment off me.
Printmaking Result
When this print was complete, I felt as though all of the negative comments from others trying to discourage me were dealt with. I knew who I was and what I loved to do, and nobody was going to tell me otherwise. I felt strong again.
Printmaking 1
This project I had to carve out a stamp into a soft rectangle. I was set, on riding with all my free time. I carved an image of me, standing next to my bike, and my hair flowing behind me. I decided to carve a word into this vinyl stamp, one that would embody me and my persistence to ride. The word I chose is persistence.
Printmaking Results
After carving this print, I felt as though I had carved away the negativity. I knew with every piece I made, I was only getting stronger against the negative comments about me riding.
Painting 1 Final
My first time picking up a paintbrush was this semester, 2024. Throughout this whole semester, I had my family telling me who I was and their rendition of why I started riding. Being told these rumors of who people thought I was made me so angry, and I needed to tune them out and focus.
This assignment was supposed to be a self-portrait, but instead of focus point when creating it being me, I focused heavily on my bike and my helmet.
I threw paint onto the canvas and splattered emotion everywhere. By the time this project was finished, I had paint on every piece of clothing I owned.
Painting Results
When I finished the oil painting of me posing with my bike, I felt so happy with myself. I felt accomplished with capturing my love for the bike, proving not only to myself but my doubters who tried to assume things and spread rumours.
While painting this, I was getting ready for my wedding with my husband, and it was not a magical time. I was getting threats and remarks that tore me emotionally apart. I knew that all my bike stuff in my classes was probably annoying to my classmates, but I knew that if I tried to create art about anything else, I was never going to be able to connect strongly with the topic.
When painting it, I didn't care about who thought what about me, the subject I was painting, or anything else. I just thought about how much I love riding my motorcycle and how riding makes me feel.
Painting 1
The professor, for this project, told us to pick a subject and make symbols around the canvas to create a story.
I chose an image I took from a video of me riding. This image was the very first time I was riding out of my neighbourhood. I was so excited at this moment of riding, I felt like I was flying.
Before I started riding motorcycles, I was a very scared person. I was afraid to be heard, I was afraid of driving, and I had high anxiety all the time. When I drove somewhere, even a place that I had been a thousand times, I was terrified. I would not take the highway, I would have the GPS on at all times, and if I saw a flashing light, I would break down into tears.
When I started riding, I was not afraid of anything. I didn't need the GPS anymore because it didn't matter where I was, as long as I was right side up, I felt good.
Painting Result
The details added to the image of the motorcycle dashboard are significant to how I feel about the bike.
Peace signs are to represent the peace and tranquillity riding made me feel.
The helmet represents the safety I feel on the bike.
The birdcage represents the feeling of being trapped, I feel, when being told to give up on riding.
The condor flying above the bike represents the feeling of flying, and the freedom that comes with it. The condor is the only bird that can fly for hours and hours without getting tired.
The Bob Ross painting was put on there because he always painted freely and made mistakes turn into better, more beautiful images. I hope to turn the harsh words from others into beautiful tunes with the wind whistling in my helmet.