The Darkest Day (July 12th) Part 1

It was 1 am and I still hadn't fallen asleep yet. The light outside was so bright, and I could hear a man with two children flirting with the nurses at the dest trying to put his kids to bed. This could have been a hallucination; I don't think I'll ever know.

That is how the worst day I've ever experienced in my life began.

Yes, that includes the day of the accident, too. This day was much... MUCH worse. I finally fell asleep for two hours before the team I call "the Vampires" came in to take some blood samples for testing my levels. The same thing every day. The terrible tourniquet around my arm, the stabbing multiple times at my very drained veins, then the snap of the tourniquet as they finish up and walk away with multiple vials of blood. I am awake and just waiting for my mom to wake up, and for breakfast to be ready.

The sun finally woke up and filled the room through the tiny sliver of window I have in the corner of my room, and the hallucination of the bubbles coming from the ceiling was in full effect. I got my tubes flushed and another bag of saline plugged in. I was getting dressed by nurses when one asks "Did you start your period?" "I don't know," I frantically and embarrassedly answered. How was I supposed to know? I just woke up and barely know why I'm here. I barely know whether the orange fish in Dr. Seuss books is real or not.

I could feel something wasn't right. I was nervous. I could hear nurses passing my room talking negatively about me. It started with "What is that smell?" and it got more focused on specifically me, and I smell. Everyone passing my room kept loudly announcing that I smelled and was dirty. Then the accusations that I was stealing from the cafeteria began. (I can't move my legs; one was shattered, both knees were busted, and I was attached to multiple monitors. I still haven't even tried sitting up yet.) Being how I liked to present myself a certain way, I hated thinking that they were saying these mean things about me.

One of the nurses was there talking to me. She asked if I was going to get back on a motorcycle after I heal. I answered that I would have a long time to heal, but absolutely. She mentioned that she might have seen me ride around before because she lives in the area where I rode with my friends. She mentioned her boyfriend rides there too, and he rides a black Ninja 400. She left, and that was the only time I had seen her the whole month I was there. I made the connection as to why she looked so familiar. She was Roman's girlfriend, and the black ninja 400 was Roman's bike! Did I see her? Or was she a hallucination?

The people walking past my room began talking negatively about people in my family. The voices were talking about how my sisters were all ugly, and my mom and dad were fat. I was getting so angry that I was crying. I could hear more talk about how rileys grandpa was so old and hearing rude things about him. I could hear the voice I thought to be Roman's girlfriend trying to see how she could take advantage of me. The rest of the voices were chiming in to also take advantage. I began to panic, feeling trapped and forced to stay in bed. I wanted out, but I couldn't move except my arms. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't move my legs, I felt useless.

If you struggle with PTSD, and you feel alone or scared, you can reach out. Many people understand what you are going through and can help.